Posts Tagged ‘videogames’

Get down with these bad boys

Get down with these bad boys

Before we begin I should probably preface this reflection with the fact that my first video game system was a Sega Genesis. Have always loved the Genesis, will always love the Genesis, am biased towards the Genesis. Sega (before it decided to systematically dismantle its core franchise with these new age Sonic the Hedgehog iterations) really did some things well back in its heyday, and one of them was the creation of two of my favorite drinking buddies; Toejam & Earl.

Over the past couple of months, I’ve found myself slowly pulling away from some big budget purchases (Bioshock Infinite and Dishonored to name two) simply due to the fact that I don’t have any time to make serious headway on any given weeknight. Work seems to eat my free time (like Kim Kardashian eats souls) Monday through Friday, so I find little more than an hour a day with the ability to play video games. One night I dusted off the old Sega and perused my old titles just to mix it up; which one was I going to choose? Altered Beast, Kid Chameleon, Sonic 2, TMNT: The Hyperstone Heist? As I inspected each individual title, my eyes rested on a picture of two aliens; one with the speech bubble “JAMMIN’!” above his head (and sporting the backwards baseball hat and massive gold chain) and the other one (the fat one with shades and border shorts) about to pound a hotdog with mustard. I instantly decided to shove my copy (albeit it took multiple tries) of Toejam and Earl into the Sega Genesis and dove into a nostalgic bliss.

Games Like Mass Effect are awesome, but far from simple

Games Like Mass Effect are awesome, but far from simple

A brief description of the game for those who haven’t had the pleasure: Toejam and Earl are two aliens who’ve crashed to earth (a bizarre earth made up of 25 platformed levels that are traversed by elevator) and are searching for the broken parts of their spaceship. Along the way they eat food, find presents, use presents, and avoid all types of earthlings like the plague. The game takes a solid hour and a half to complete, which may sound short, but it has two main things I love:

• Low Key Gameplay – As I said before, you basically walk around looking for ship parts while avoiding earthlings while using tons of presents.

Ahhh the good old days

Ahhh the good old days

This allows you to spend the entire hour pounding beers without the threat of getting killed (always a positive on a Tuesday night). There’s almost zero stress, which is the opposite of what you get from blockbusters like Modern Warfare. Now think about this – All day you deal with people, no one thanks you for your hard work, and you feel stuck in your life like a fly caught in orange marmalade. Toejam and Earl lets you do exactly the opposite: explore at your own pace, avoid everyone that’s trying to get in your grill, find rewards everywhere, and have an endgame where you get the hell out of where you are and on the track back to what you ought to be doing. Scary.

• A Great Soundtrack – Some people don’t like certain types of music. I personally hate everything country, so as you can imagine if there was a video game involving Taylor Swift I’d rather find myself making out with a circular saw than purchasing it. Toejam and Earl has the first truly “funk” soundtrack that I’ve ever heard in video gaming. Beats like “Toejam Jammin’”, “Big Earl Bump” and “Alien Break Down” somehow use a 32 bit system to create music that is not only memorable, but unique. The best part about these songs are how they perfectly mesh with the whole “just kind of waddling around” theme of the entire game. You can’t imagine George Clinton creating his music without being high as the MIR space station, and you kinda get that vibe from our two alien heroes as they ramble through their own version of earth.

Mmmm Big Earl and The funkadelic parliament would've gotten alone just fine

Mmmm Big Earl and The funkadelic parliament would’ve gotten alone just fine

You can find the above songs on Youtube, but a great way to hear them is on iTunes. The One-Ups do a nice job capturing the heart and intent of the songs through their versions, and they also do a masterful job with other classic video game music. Check them out.

That being said, for those of you who are lucky enough to still own a Sega Genesis, it’s worth searching for this little known treasure. Toejam & Earl is a game that really helps mellow you out at the end of a hard day, which is rare now. It does it without being childish, pretentious, or completely crappy. So crack open a cold one, and treat yourself to some TJ&E. You won’t regret it.



Five reasons Final Fantasy VII is the best game ever. Gamer-guy is going to try and keep this as short as possible


5. It was the first 3D game with 9,000 side quests. That’s right nerds, side quests. Side quests for gamers are like protein shakes for jocks. They give us more time to stay locked in our own fantasy world of awesomeness. In this scenario though we’re not talking about random side quests. We’re talking about Ruby and Emerald weapon, knights of the round, and all that jazz. Not to mention there’s a casino in the game. Win at the casino, watch Tifa dance, see Tifa’s tits go up and down. Who said animated chicks were a bad thing? Get out the tissue paper


4. The main character is the ultimate badass. Here we have one of the first classic stories of some dude with no past, who doesn’t know his family, hates everyone he meets, and carries a 100 pound sword that literally takes a piss on everything in his path. Cloud’s darkness alone is enough to make Cid head to counseling.


3. There’s a character in the game that’s a giant stuffed cat. In other video games, side characters are rough and tumble and have exotic back stories. Don’t get me wrong, theres plenty of this in FF7 with other characters, but the fact that some developer pulled the stuffed cat out of his ass and somehow factored it into the most revolutionary game of our lifetime is nothing short of fantastic. There’s a reason Japan rules the streets when it comes to these games. While we’re at it, can we see Tifa’s tits go up and down again?


2. The game comes with 3 CDs. This was one of the first games ever to do it. Think about it, this reason doesn’t even refer to the gameplay itself. The natural gamer gets the game for his/herself, sees that there are three CDs inside and already starts wet-dreaming about how long it will take to beat. Maybe you went to school and talked to your friend John who developed early onset carpal tunnel in first grade from too much counterstrike and you tell him “I’m still on CD 1”. If he’s anywhere further than you, a feeling of jealousy and self-pride sets in. You’re jealous because hes on CD 2 and will find out the ending before you do, but you’re excited because you still have X amount of hours more to play while he sits on his ass and plays with his tamagochi


1. The final boss fight is the end all be all. You don’t kill this mother fucker once, or twice, but three times. It’s the ultimate boss fight. You finally get a chance to kill the bastard who’s been screwing with your head for the last 3 CD’s. At this point there’s emotion involved. You feel for Cloud, and you want Cloud to kick Sephiroth’s ass. The problem is this asshat has three different forms. Bring all the potions and elixirs you have for this fight because you’re gonna need more than 1 omnislash to kill three of this douche. In addition, you’ve put in over fifty hours of gameplay which means you’re almost a member of the party. My real life elixirs were yoohoo chocolate milk which is why I was pushing 200 lbs in 4th grade.


If that wasn’t enough, here’s some more ‘knowledge’ on why its the greatest game of all time.

A Game of Focus

Posted: May 1, 2013 in For the Nerd
Tags: , , ,

For everyone out there wondering if playing video games has any advantage outside of ‘hand-eye coordination’ – we’ve got some good news for you. Staying in and playing Madden and Call of Duty while downing a set of nachos and some beers can actually be a good thing…when it comes to girls.

Our friends over at put together a list of reasons videogames make you better at sex than the average jock. Let’s get real here, sex is the ultimate game of concentration, if you can’t keep it together, you’ll jump the gun, and she’ll find someone else. Celebrate this article by staying in and throwing sticky grenades on what what otherwise be a normal Wednesday night.