Posts Tagged ‘girls’

Dudes have been corner peeking for centuries

Dudes have been corner peeking for centuries

We’ve all had it, that moment at work where you think its appropriate to hit on the girl from work. I’m not saying its inappropriate, there’s just a 87% chance that it creates a wave of awkwardness that reverberates around the workplace. Even if it’s something simple like “Hey let’s grab some beers after work this week” or “Let’s bang”. Let’s set the scenarios

 

The best case scenario is “Yes” and she gives you the look like you’re not sleeping that night. For the 2% of guys out there this works for, congratulations. The rest of us have the same chance of this working as a snowman living after licking satan’s asshole.

 

The next best scenario is her telling you that she can’t make it this week and that next week makes more sense. That’s slang for ‘it’s never going to happen. After that she’ll probably turn around and leave which gives you at least one unassisted ass-look on the way out. Nice Freebie.

 

The scenarios get worse when there’s a witness.

 

Let’s pretend she starts telling you about how it’s inappropriate to ask a co-worker out in the workplace. If you think your dick is Turtling now, give it about five minutes. While she’s giving you her speech on why HR should be involved, gossip lady rolls over to grab a cup of Jo. Gossip lady is anywhere between two and three hundred pounds depending on what mumu she’s wearing that day. She purposefully makes herself two cups of coffee to catch the entire conversation and relay it to every other whale that patrols the office looking for gossip. She’s the type of lady who eats carrots by day and pork rinds by the bag at night. That’s her superpower.

 

On top of this, your boss comes over and asks you about how your weekend was in the middle of her filibuster. He realizes you aren’t listening and begins jumping in on the conversation. Now gossip woman and your immediate boss know that you’ve visibly made one of the women in the office grossly uncomfortable. Your career is now on the line for the next six months as both of these people have an ace-in-the-hole they can use at any moment. They’ve also told about 15 other people about what happened.


Six months later, this girl is at a happy hour and tells you how much courage it took for you to ask her out. Minutes later you’re back at her place and you’re both depantsing. About halfway through going at it you realize that she never asked about a condom and has about thirty stuffed animals in her room. You think to yourself, wow this makes perfect sense.

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Most post college/pre-work clowns complain that they haven’t traveled  Other people ride  you about how they’ve know more about the world than you because they went to Africa for 5 days. Either way, it’s your turn. If you haven’t been, take whatever dough you have left over from college and head out.

 

The last thing you want to do is start a sub-par career that will inevitably begin with monster.com without going abroad. Take a flight with 3 of your friends and go anywhere in Europe. I’d say go to Asia or Africa but getting gunned down by the Triads or limping around with Malaria doesn’t really tickle my fancy.

This looks like a blast

This looks like a blast

 

Get to Europe, shack up in a hostel, have all your shit stolen, and sleep with some french girl who looks like the girl from precious and you’re off to a good start. You’ve spent the last 20-something years in the United States, you need the experience of acting like an ass is someone else’s backyard.

 

The main problem with going abroad is there’s a 50% chance that a country’s people hate you. I’ve been to Ireland, they loved me. I’ve been to France, they hated me. It’s a coin flip.

France was a little difficult for me because the guys and girls all dress the same. It’s like a huge game of hide-and-go-seek. You don’t know what you’re getting into until the pants are off and Margot is actually Martin.

 

The key is to find a nice medium. A medium between being the asshole that yells ‘Merica’ at every foreigner that walks by, and being the person who says every coffee shop they go to is the best coffee they’ve ever had. I tend to side more with the ‘Merica’ guy than the coffee shop hipster who pets himself at night over beans from Ethiopia.

coffee

 

Spend some time figuring out why ketchup packets are an extra 50 cents at McDonald’s. Find out why some 10% of foreign chicks don’t feel like shaving their legs. Realize that no one has an idea what the NFL is and no one gives two shits if they do.


Lastly, keep an eye out for the gypsies. They usually act alone, but if you piss one off, twenty more will appear. They’re more or less and underfunded gang that boycotted old spice and showering centuries ago.

Remember when he nailed Stiffler's mom in the third one?

Remember when he nailed Stiffler’s mom in the fourth one?

Most of the people reading this article will look around themselves and realize they’re either at work, or at home. If you’re at work, good for you, you’ve found a way to run away from the corporate bullshit for a minute. If you’re at home, and your roommates are your parents, it’s time to make a move.

 

You spent the last few years doing whatever the hell you wanted whenever the hell you wanted. But taking a girl back to your college palace was much easier. Maybe it was the half filled keg that’s been tapped sitting in the living room for the past 3 months, or maybe it’s the fact that you haven’t washed the sheets for the better half of college. Either way, the environment for getting girls was much better.

 

Living at home has one positive, you save rent. That’s it. Now it’s time to list out some reasons why you shouldn’t save any money and get your own place.

 

1. Having someone lurking around the house that constantly hounds you about when you’re moving out, or that drinking five beers before you go out on a Friday is for the ground-lings of the world isn’t helping your confidence. Being pelted with a Q&A session before you leave to go to the bar or whatever sub par house party you’re off too isn’t exactly a breeding ground for type of confidence that beds mares

 

2. Having your parents find balled up tissues under the bed and telling you that they didn’t notice you were sick is some sick subconscious way of them knowing what the tissues actually mean. And no, they’re not sad tissues.

It happens to the best of us

It happens to the best of us

 

3. You can knock your parents for being half naked on their couch. You can knock them for never going out, or them pestering you for your moderate alcoholism. You can taunt them by never flushing the toilet, or refusing to mow the lawn. It doesn’t matter. It’s their house.

At some point, they purchased the thing, raised a family, and now have to deal with your post-college self prancing around like a blind sperm.

 

They spent over 250K on this place. If you think telling them to go upstairs because you have some friends, or a girl, coming over is appropriate, then you’re the biggest ass in the room

 

When it’s your house, you’ll be running around naked making sure the bag of chips is never rolled up so it goes stale the day after you bought it. Once its your house, you can take a dump on the roof, and leave your blow up christmas snowman up for 12 months a year to piss off your neighbors. But right now, it’s not. Play by the rules, or stop ‘saving up’.

 

4. The next time you DVR’d Game of Thrones and you finally sit down to watch it and realize it was over-written by a 60 minutes DVR, you’ll be all over the ‘for-rent’ section of craigslist.

 

5. Anytime the fridge is left open even the slightest crack for an extended period of time, it’s your fault. I don’t care who did it. It never mattered. It’s your fault, and now everything in the fridge has gone bad. That’s like $200 in groceries that they can hold over your head for the next 2 to 15 years. Enjoy!

 

These are only five reasons why you should move out of mother hen’s nest ASAP. Saving six months of rent isn’t worth the rise in blood pressure and reduction in spreading seed. If you like 60 minutes though, by all means, shack up at the old homestead and get to work on the happy tissues.

Image

(photo cr. metacarsblog)

The five things every dude needs to do after college

Part one of five

 

5. Lock down a job

You’ve been in college for the past 4 to 6 years and now it’s time to lock down a job. Your parents mortgaged their RonCo rotisserie machine wondering what you’re going to do after college. There are limited openings where you can smoke pot and watch Batman so it’s best to follow another route.

 

You’ve reached the point where interviewing seems like a reasonable obligation. Competing with the smartest girl isn’t though. This broad has been spending her senior year at the school library telling you how she has seven different job offers. I take solace knowing she’s only been with two guys in her life, her 6 year boyfriend who’s had glasses since he was 4, and her left hand.

 

Friends are telling you about how they’re failing drug tests. It’s okay. You’ll end up finding some second rate jockey firm who has no problem picking you up to fetch the secretary’s caramel macchiato from starbucks.

 

The next step is signing a letter quantifying exactly how much you’re worth a year. You spent the last four years eating pork rinds and finding out how to be really mediocre at sex. Now you’re worth $43,000 a year. It’s not a bad feeling, that’s just your worth in the free market.

 

The pain settles in when the biggest clown in your class is making close to 100K and he’s letting everyone know about it. He’s the type who still wears a one-sey to bed and knows his mom slept with all his high school friends.

 

Whatever your major was, you’ve now signed up for the next thirty years doing it, or at least making people think you’re going to do it. My first day at work I showed up sweating through my shirt, Any shot I had at nailing the intern chick I worked with went out the window. She gave me the, ‘this guy probably wears the same pants to work every day of the week’ look, which was true. She had that psychic vibe going and tits that would make a Ron Jeremy purr.

 

Getting a job also gives you something to falsely brag about. “I work at davidson and skidmark. Yea it’s on 53rd and anus. Oh, you’ve heard of it?” Say finance about 60 times, wear a tie, and you can limp into bed with the standard rate communication major chick.

 

We’re not saying any of this is bad, we’re just trying to add a little perspective. The alternative is being unemployed and making $25,000 a year. Part of your salary comes from your employed friends’ paychecks. You can walk around naked at your apartment during the day and watch repeats of boy meets world and stream the latest @bibiJones videos.

 

As a disclaimer, if you live at home and you’re unemployed, you run the risk of walking in on your parents plowing one another. Keep your head on a swivel.


Once the decisions been made to do one or the other, you’ve made it through the first of the five steps of graduating college.

How To Get Your Girl To Play Video Games:

 

Guys, unless you’re one of the lucky few that has a girl who enjoys playing videogames, your primal need to sit out on the couch and flip on some Call of Duty can actually be detrimental to your relationship. Before you look to your lady for flaws, or even view this as a reason to split (all depending on how hardcore your gaming is), why not try a couple of simple things to help indoctrinate her into your favorite hobby? If done correctly, playing videogames together can help strengthen your relationship by giving you both another thing in common to enjoy. Here are some tips to get you started:

 

1. Use the K.I.S.S. method: By the 4th iteration of CoD, having a kill to death ratio of 2.5 might come as natural as breathing to any hardcore gamer, but have you ever seen someone try to pick up the controls for the first time and do anything but shoot their foot? Me either. My point here is make sure you’re choosing a game where the controls don’t hinder her experience: the simpler the better. If you’re a hoarder (like me) you probably have a 16 or 32 bit system (or possibly a Wii if you sold out), which are much better platforms for first timers. Something like Sonic the Hedgehog might seem simple to you, but if you recall, you probably started out with something with no more than a D-Pad and 3 buttons when you first started gaming.

2. Pick a game SHE might be interested in: I like to think I’m eclectic when it comes to video gaming, which makes this generation of games one of the most diverse in our history. Most guys prefer to live our fantasies through games like NCAA Football or Mortal Kombat (new or old, although for my money I prefer the Genesis version). When she sees you playing these games, she probably has no interest in learning, so I suggest taking her out to your nearest Gamestop and let her choose a title based on the cover. Shelling out $30 for a used copy of Kirby’s Epic Yarn may hurt your man card (although not your wallet), but you’ll reap the benefits in the long run.

3. Encourage her throughout the entire process: There is no better way to kill her willingness to try a videogame than if you shoot down her self-confidence ten minutes into the experience. Example: Started playing New Super Mario Bros. Wii with girlfriend; told her that if she didn’t stop losing all her lives I wouldn’t let her continue; now have a broken CD and am banned from playing any Mario like games. Like any activity, practice is necessary, so do your part as a gentleman and support her throughout her learning process.

4. Let her win occasionally: Tough for me because of my competitive nature, but letting your girl win a round of Tiger Woods Golf or Soul Calibur 4 will actually go a long way. Ever go to a party and start playing beer pong for three hours but never win a game? Although you’re smashed, all you can think about is beating that tiny clown in the corner making eyes at your lady. And it makes you never want to play pong with him again. Take the high road and “forget” to block once in a while, just never admit to her that you did it.

5. Co-Op is key!: Setting your lady up for a night of Bioshock Infinite get you harder than a brick house, but your girl may not see things the same way. By playing a game where you both are working cooperatively to achieve the same goal, you’re essentially solidifying the fact that you work well as a pair. There are a ton of these games out there (my favorite being Streets of Rage 2 for the Genesis), and they practically scream date night. It’s also a great way to get out of watching the Notebook.

6. Tell her how much it would mean to you: How many mall trips have you been on? How many dates with her friends? How many meetings with her mom? If the answer is “I can’t remember” I pity you. The point here is that all of those things are things that she really likes to do. If you sit her down and explain how important videogames are to you (and more importantly why), she might better understand your attraction to them. That way, when you finally invite her to join you for a session, you can explain how you’re trying to share a different piece of yourself with her, and we know how chicks love that emotional stuff.

 

This list is no means the be all, end all of having success in this matter, but it’s a pretty good place to start. The key here to get creative, keep an open mind, and have some fun with it! Worst case scenario, you’re back to listening to 14 year olds on Xbox live by yourself by morning.

Before you have a Sunday Funday and try to pick up chicks drinking Modelo and Coronas, let’s a take a minute to understand what the hell happened here. Mexico beat france over a hundred and 51 years ago in an epic battle. That’s all I know about it. Some dude named Zaragoza Big Dicked the french and now we’re entitled to drink copious amounts of alcohol.

Two things taking you into the weekend. Watch this bro down a whole bottle of tequila.

And check out these mexican smoke shows making my pants shorter

http://www.ranker.com/list/the-15-hottest-mexican-women-under-40-v1/greg

When some girl is waist deep in you’re belt buckle this summer at the beach, you’ll thank us when this song comes on

A Game of Focus

Posted: May 1, 2013 in For the Nerd
Tags: , , ,

For everyone out there wondering if playing video games has any advantage outside of ‘hand-eye coordination’ – we’ve got some good news for you. Staying in and playing Madden and Call of Duty while downing a set of nachos and some beers can actually be a good thing…when it comes to girls.

Our friends over at mademan.com put together a list of reasons videogames make you better at sex than the average jock. Let’s get real here, sex is the ultimate game of concentration, if you can’t keep it together, you’ll jump the gun, and she’ll find someone else. Celebrate this article by staying in and throwing sticky grenades on what what otherwise be a normal Wednesday night.

http://www.mademan.com/4-ways-video-games-can-make-you-better-at-sex/

Friday Night Lights

Posted: April 30, 2013 in Everything in Between
Tags: , , , ,

Friday touches down last week and I’m in the mood for a good time. I send out three or four ‘excitement’ texts to girls I either know as friends or used to hook up with. It’s generally understood that the only chance I have of getting them to respond is if they have the same 5pm friday feeling I do and they respond on pure emotion. I’d put it at about 10%.

 

That was my shot at easy tail for the night. But now it looks like I’m going to have to saddle up and call in the crew. The crew consists of 3 people.

 

Guy 1 – This is the guy who always wants to go to the bar. It doesn’t matter what time of the day it is, he wants to go. The only catch with guy 1 is, he says five words once he gets to the bar. He usually goes to the bathroom about 45 times and tells everyone how loud it is in the bar then pulls a ‘wow what a long week, think I’m gonna hit the road’ at about midnight. Unfortunately, midnight is when the pickings get good

 

Guy 2 – I’m still wondering why we invite Guy 2 out. Guy 2 is the one all the girls flock to. It’s not a competition, it’s just generally understood that girls are going to go after him all night. And no, the wait around until guy 2 picks his girl then try and snipe some last minute action on the second place spring chicken never works. She’ll usually reply with how tired she is, or how her friend doesn’t feel good. That’s code work for them hitting the road and instead of hooking up with you, firing up their bedside pal with 2 duracell batteries, and buzzing themselves to sleep. Nice work!

 

Guy 3 – Guy 3 is my favorite. Guy three is the perfect friend during the day. He allways has tickets to the game when you need it, brings home dinner for no reason, and consistently buys beer for you for you and the apartment. Guy three has a special power though. He has the inate ability to steal whatever girl you’ve been talking to while you go to the bathroom for 30 seconds. He doesn’t care that he’s doing it, he probably doesn’t know that he’s doing it. But he’s doing it, and it’s making your friday night the best friday of all time. While you’re draining the snake next to a couple guys blowing coke in the bathroom, tonights catch of the day is being reeled in by another boat.

 

You might say I should change up the ‘group’, not gonna happen.

 

Friday night begins at some very okay bar with some very okay girls. Out of the four girls the one I’m talking to looks like she’s always interested in going to McDonald’s after the bar. She’s eyeing me up and down and licking her chops like I’m fourth meal. Whatever, man’s gotta eat.

 

I notice halfway through the night that this chick’s been drinking Jack on the rocks. She’s also been paying for all of my drinks. This combination leads me to believe she might have a penis, but we’re playing the hot hand here and I keep going.

 

About halfway through the night she makes the first move, which I guess makes sense after she’s been buying me beers the whole night. She moves in, mouth wide open and for a split second my life flashed before my eyes.

I thought off all the ex girlfriends and past hookups I’d had, and how they were nothing like this. Kissing a girl should be a mutual action. She was going in like I was the first bite of a meatball sandwich. Her breath smelled a little bit like trident and a little bit like the calamari she’d put down a couple hours ago. I go all in and get slobbed on. At this point guy 2 and guy 3 are staring me down and giggling with the other girls. Now I’m the center of attention which is never a good thing.

 

After contemplating an irish exit, I decide I’m too drunk to find another girl so I opt for ‘her’. I never figured out what ‘her’ name was but I decided it was going to be either Pat or Ethel. Either way I was all in.

 

We got back to her place and I jump on the couch. From that point forward everything gets a little blurry. I was still buzzed and to this point, I still don’t know if we had sex. Every move I made was either flabtastic or penetration. I’ll never know the answer. The highlight of the night was when I rolled over after whatever we did for 75 seconds and she got up and went to the fridge. She pulled out a half eaten BMT from anywhere between 7 to 10 days ago and began working her magic on it.

 

About halfway into her third bite she tells me I can leave. That was the moment I knew it was one of my favorite fridays of all time. She almost ate me, drank more Budwiesers than my dad, maybe had sex with me, starts eating right after sex, and boots ME out of her apartment.

 

That night with Ethel was a game changer, I wonder what she’ll remember more, me, or the 6 inch BMT that had been marinating in her fridge for a week. Go Figure.