Posts Tagged ‘funny’

Get rid of 98% of your college friends

What’s one of the best parts about graduating college? Realizing that you actually only have about four good friends. The last month or so there’s a mad dash of commiserating with people you don’t actually like because you had some bullshit liberal arts class with them sophomore year. You find yourself talking with the guy who studied for 3.95 years of his college career and fake laughing at all his stories.

 

It’s over. There’s nothing wrong with acting like an alumni and bitching about how you feel old sixteen seconds after leaving campus. But you now realize you have 500 facebook friends who are as much fun as airplane bathrooms.

 

I’m overstating here, over half of them will weed themselves out. But half of them will post on your wall when it’s your birthday, and for the other 364 days a year you have to see pictures of their dog and hear them opine on every major event that happens in the news. Even better if they write poems. You find the girl who got double teamed freshmen year writing Robert Frost carve-outs as her facebook status. Her and two lucky guys took the ‘road less traveled’.

 

My personal favorite is the person who uses facebook as their personal news feed. “Did you hear Jenny and Achmed got married”. No, did you? Or did you just see it as part of the newsfeed five days ago and are now their personal life promoter. Not to mention, no one cares. Here are five statuses that people should actually like:

  • “Darryl just hiked the Andes mountains naked with a sherpa on his back” – better than marriage

  • Monica is on day twelve of being passed around by the Knicks Basketball team” – Baby Daddies!

  • “Craig just realized the pepto bismol he drank was sink cleaner” – This one might be worth commenting on instead of just a like

  • “Sharice realized she was a lesbian on day three of her honeymoon!” – My only takeaway is there’s some guy out there who’s 50K in debt from a wedding and marriage that no longer has any return on investment

  • “Sharon thought her interview at the skin carbernet went really well” – Pictures please


That’s it. If Derrick Rose doesn’t play during the playoffs that doesn’t mean I want an hourly feed of your opinion on his ACL. Remember it was just a liberal arts class years ago.

Advertisements

Most post college/pre-work clowns complain that they haven’t traveled  Other people ride  you about how they’ve know more about the world than you because they went to Africa for 5 days. Either way, it’s your turn. If you haven’t been, take whatever dough you have left over from college and head out.

 

The last thing you want to do is start a sub-par career that will inevitably begin with monster.com without going abroad. Take a flight with 3 of your friends and go anywhere in Europe. I’d say go to Asia or Africa but getting gunned down by the Triads or limping around with Malaria doesn’t really tickle my fancy.

This looks like a blast

This looks like a blast

 

Get to Europe, shack up in a hostel, have all your shit stolen, and sleep with some french girl who looks like the girl from precious and you’re off to a good start. You’ve spent the last 20-something years in the United States, you need the experience of acting like an ass is someone else’s backyard.

 

The main problem with going abroad is there’s a 50% chance that a country’s people hate you. I’ve been to Ireland, they loved me. I’ve been to France, they hated me. It’s a coin flip.

France was a little difficult for me because the guys and girls all dress the same. It’s like a huge game of hide-and-go-seek. You don’t know what you’re getting into until the pants are off and Margot is actually Martin.

 

The key is to find a nice medium. A medium between being the asshole that yells ‘Merica’ at every foreigner that walks by, and being the person who says every coffee shop they go to is the best coffee they’ve ever had. I tend to side more with the ‘Merica’ guy than the coffee shop hipster who pets himself at night over beans from Ethiopia.

coffee

 

Spend some time figuring out why ketchup packets are an extra 50 cents at McDonald’s. Find out why some 10% of foreign chicks don’t feel like shaving their legs. Realize that no one has an idea what the NFL is and no one gives two shits if they do.


Lastly, keep an eye out for the gypsies. They usually act alone, but if you piss one off, twenty more will appear. They’re more or less and underfunded gang that boycotted old spice and showering centuries ago.

Being a bum, it’s not so bad

I don’t see the problem here

I took a shower threw on a suit and started my normal work exodus. Outside my door I noticed a bum reading the paper. Moments later there was another bum, taking a shit on the corner of a building. Seemed like a normal day. Before I get on the subway there’s another one playing a violin that would sound good to Helen Keller.

I hop on the subway and see another one sleeping half naked in the corner of the subway. Just when I begin to think my ride will consist of the same five songs I listen to going to work every day, it happens. The king-bum is in the middle of the subway, talking to himself. He’s holding a full on conversation about politics and drugs…with himself. He’s also wearing jean shorts and his jacket looks like a bear’s tampon. We make eye contact for ½ a second and that’s when it hits me. I’m not making fun of these people. I’m absurdly jealous.

Imagine, instead of putting on your suit tomorrow and squatting on the pot pre shower, you decide to ‘take your talents’ to 14th street and paint the street brown. After I’m done with my morning magic I might hang out in the middle of the street singing call me maybe, and literally cat call at every chick that walks by. Maybe I’ll flag down a cab, hop in, and not pay them. Then the cabbie will chase me around for money until he realizes that I’m throwing stolen street meat at innocent bystanders in broad daylight. I’d spend the next hour asking anyone, vendor or civilian, for a steak and cheese sandwich.

I might spend lunch with some other bums bitching about my alcoholism and telling them about how I had 15 illegitimate kids. They don’t care, I don’t know what I’m talking about, and the cops refuse to arrest us. When you subtract out the whole ‘I have no money’ part of it, it’s not bad. Hang out in the nice weather, shoot the shit, literally do whatever the hell you want to do, and the world is your bathroom. Not to mention, you have instant allies with other bums.
Right now, if I sneeze the wrong way on the subway I get arrested for sexual harassment. Their immunity has to be praised. Next time you see a bum and you feel sorry, think again. The guy probably had a chimichanga and a beer for breakfast and fired one off in the middle of Duane Reade, all before 10AM.

Get down with these bad boys

Get down with these bad boys

Before we begin I should probably preface this reflection with the fact that my first video game system was a Sega Genesis. Have always loved the Genesis, will always love the Genesis, am biased towards the Genesis. Sega (before it decided to systematically dismantle its core franchise with these new age Sonic the Hedgehog iterations) really did some things well back in its heyday, and one of them was the creation of two of my favorite drinking buddies; Toejam & Earl.

Over the past couple of months, I’ve found myself slowly pulling away from some big budget purchases (Bioshock Infinite and Dishonored to name two) simply due to the fact that I don’t have any time to make serious headway on any given weeknight. Work seems to eat my free time (like Kim Kardashian eats souls) Monday through Friday, so I find little more than an hour a day with the ability to play video games. One night I dusted off the old Sega and perused my old titles just to mix it up; which one was I going to choose? Altered Beast, Kid Chameleon, Sonic 2, TMNT: The Hyperstone Heist? As I inspected each individual title, my eyes rested on a picture of two aliens; one with the speech bubble “JAMMIN’!” above his head (and sporting the backwards baseball hat and massive gold chain) and the other one (the fat one with shades and border shorts) about to pound a hotdog with mustard. I instantly decided to shove my copy (albeit it took multiple tries) of Toejam and Earl into the Sega Genesis and dove into a nostalgic bliss.

Games Like Mass Effect are awesome, but far from simple

Games Like Mass Effect are awesome, but far from simple

A brief description of the game for those who haven’t had the pleasure: Toejam and Earl are two aliens who’ve crashed to earth (a bizarre earth made up of 25 platformed levels that are traversed by elevator) and are searching for the broken parts of their spaceship. Along the way they eat food, find presents, use presents, and avoid all types of earthlings like the plague. The game takes a solid hour and a half to complete, which may sound short, but it has two main things I love:

• Low Key Gameplay – As I said before, you basically walk around looking for ship parts while avoiding earthlings while using tons of presents.

Ahhh the good old days

Ahhh the good old days

This allows you to spend the entire hour pounding beers without the threat of getting killed (always a positive on a Tuesday night). There’s almost zero stress, which is the opposite of what you get from blockbusters like Modern Warfare. Now think about this – All day you deal with people, no one thanks you for your hard work, and you feel stuck in your life like a fly caught in orange marmalade. Toejam and Earl lets you do exactly the opposite: explore at your own pace, avoid everyone that’s trying to get in your grill, find rewards everywhere, and have an endgame where you get the hell out of where you are and on the track back to what you ought to be doing. Scary.

• A Great Soundtrack – Some people don’t like certain types of music. I personally hate everything country, so as you can imagine if there was a video game involving Taylor Swift I’d rather find myself making out with a circular saw than purchasing it. Toejam and Earl has the first truly “funk” soundtrack that I’ve ever heard in video gaming. Beats like “Toejam Jammin’”, “Big Earl Bump” and “Alien Break Down” somehow use a 32 bit system to create music that is not only memorable, but unique. The best part about these songs are how they perfectly mesh with the whole “just kind of waddling around” theme of the entire game. You can’t imagine George Clinton creating his music without being high as the MIR space station, and you kinda get that vibe from our two alien heroes as they ramble through their own version of earth.

Mmmm Big Earl and The funkadelic parliament would've gotten alone just fine

Mmmm Big Earl and The funkadelic parliament would’ve gotten alone just fine

You can find the above songs on Youtube, but a great way to hear them is on iTunes. The One-Ups do a nice job capturing the heart and intent of the songs through their versions, and they also do a masterful job with other classic video game music. Check them out.

That being said, for those of you who are lucky enough to still own a Sega Genesis, it’s worth searching for this little known treasure. Toejam & Earl is a game that really helps mellow you out at the end of a hard day, which is rare now. It does it without being childish, pretentious, or completely crappy. So crack open a cold one, and treat yourself to some TJ&E. You won’t regret it.

 

I turn my laptop on at 8:30 and I’m on facebook by 8:35. I need to check in and see who had a better weekend than I did. It looks like everyone did, except that one chick posting instagram pictures of her parents when they were our age. No one gives a shit. I do the mandatory scan for promiscuous pictures, any relationship changes, and a quick check on the exes, it looks nothing too big over the weekend. Might be time for some coffee to get back to reality. I run into the first work bystander on my way to the flavia machine

 

“How was your weekend?”

 

Fuck your weekend. How many people can ask you that while the shitty coffee machine is spitting brown colored water into a recycled cup. I’m still working on an adequate response. But I’m usually a fan of the ‘too short!’ followed by about 10 seconds of fake douche laughing and clinching my asshole because I just relieved myself of my own manhood.

 

The only way you can get into more trouble is by asking about their weekend. Most people give the mandatory ‘okay’ which is fine. This keeps the conversation short and to the point.  I might even be able to catch wolf blitzer bitching about the weather in Iran from the TV five feet away. The problem arises with any additional conversation follow up –

 

“Well my kids had a soccer tournament…”

 

What kind of self respecting 22 year old who’s still yearning for kegs and 18 year old sirority girls is focused on some 8 year olds wearing shin pads. This is the perfect example of two people not being on the same page. One of us is clearly at another phase of their life, so let’s just agree to put a muffler on the end of the conversation. Let’s put it this way, this executive wouldn’t be too pleased if I told them I spent Friday night at the rub and tug on fourth street would they? So why should vice versa be appropriate.

 

“The weather was crappy”

 

If you think this is your in to tell me about how you stayed in and read books the whole weekend, I don’t give a shit. Librarians are quiet for a reason, no one brags about that. Two more quick follow ups, don’t recommend me any books unless they can be stored and read in the bathroom, and don’t tell me how you think ryan Reynolds was fantastic in whatever B- movie you saw this weekend. It’s not that I have a problem with books or movies, I’m just not a fan of the PC idea of sharing weekends as a superficial norm every Monday.

 

If you want to tell me that you stayed in with three girlfriends and went at it for 48 hours because the weather was crappy, I’ll put the coffee on hold.

 

“I was working the whole weekend”

 

Don’t do this. No one needs any of this. You may be doing it to make yourself feel better. You may be doing it to make me feel like shit, but no matter what, neither of us need this. We do this for 80 hours a week already, the fact that you’ve now taken what window of time we have to NOT talk about it, and talked about it, is slightly worse than having a leprechaun headbutt me in the balls.

 

“I went to my parents house for the weekend”

 

I’d rather get a papercut on my o-ring than have this conversation

 

“It was low key”

 

This is the one answer you can say at the workplace that everyone understands is the opposite of what you want to say. ‘Low key’ in weekend jargon at the workplace can mean anything from riding a rollercoaster with your tits hanging out to sitting by the fire wondering what I’m going to get asked at the coffee machine on Monday. It’s a coverall, and it’s genius. Never prod at it, and if you do, you’re breaking the unspoken code of the low key response. It’s essentially the don’t ask don’t tell rule.

 

But for one second I think about my weekend. Waking up at 2pm Sunday, ordering Chinese food, trying to figure out if general tsao exists, all while dominating his chicken. More facebook perusing until about six o’clock when I realize that work anxiety is setting in.

 

Maybe work anxiety settles in because I’m worried about how I’m going to respond to Lashondra at the coffee machine tomorrow at 9am. My weekend felt more like a 4 hour window of consciousness where there was too much talking, too much drinking, and not enough sex. If there was sex, is was very forgettable, I’m assuming for both parties..

 

It’s 9 AM and I’m debating pouring my coffee right on my lap and trying to collect some workers comp. How could I possibly go about a normal day’s business with over one hundred degrees of flavia coffee marinating into my chinos, through my boxers, and finally scathing my coin purse. Send that to HR and have them sign off on it. Just as I’m debating following through with my bullet proof plan, the first two sips of flavia hit me and it’s time to unleash a pre-noon blast on one of the local sanitary establishments throughout the building.