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(photo cr. metacarsblog)

The five things every dude needs to do after college

Part one of five

 

5. Lock down a job

You’ve been in college for the past 4 to 6 years and now it’s time to lock down a job. Your parents mortgaged their RonCo rotisserie machine wondering what you’re going to do after college. There are limited openings where you can smoke pot and watch Batman so it’s best to follow another route.

 

You’ve reached the point where interviewing seems like a reasonable obligation. Competing with the smartest girl isn’t though. This broad has been spending her senior year at the school library telling you how she has seven different job offers. I take solace knowing she’s only been with two guys in her life, her 6 year boyfriend who’s had glasses since he was 4, and her left hand.

 

Friends are telling you about how they’re failing drug tests. It’s okay. You’ll end up finding some second rate jockey firm who has no problem picking you up to fetch the secretary’s caramel macchiato from starbucks.

 

The next step is signing a letter quantifying exactly how much you’re worth a year. You spent the last four years eating pork rinds and finding out how to be really mediocre at sex. Now you’re worth $43,000 a year. It’s not a bad feeling, that’s just your worth in the free market.

 

The pain settles in when the biggest clown in your class is making close to 100K and he’s letting everyone know about it. He’s the type who still wears a one-sey to bed and knows his mom slept with all his high school friends.

 

Whatever your major was, you’ve now signed up for the next thirty years doing it, or at least making people think you’re going to do it. My first day at work I showed up sweating through my shirt, Any shot I had at nailing the intern chick I worked with went out the window. She gave me the, ‘this guy probably wears the same pants to work every day of the week’ look, which was true. She had that psychic vibe going and tits that would make a Ron Jeremy purr.

 

Getting a job also gives you something to falsely brag about. “I work at davidson and skidmark. Yea it’s on 53rd and anus. Oh, you’ve heard of it?” Say finance about 60 times, wear a tie, and you can limp into bed with the standard rate communication major chick.

 

We’re not saying any of this is bad, we’re just trying to add a little perspective. The alternative is being unemployed and making $25,000 a year. Part of your salary comes from your employed friends’ paychecks. You can walk around naked at your apartment during the day and watch repeats of boy meets world and stream the latest @bibiJones videos.

 

As a disclaimer, if you live at home and you’re unemployed, you run the risk of walking in on your parents plowing one another. Keep your head on a swivel.


Once the decisions been made to do one or the other, you’ve made it through the first of the five steps of graduating college.

Posted: May 9, 2013 in For The Jock
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In the spirit of the NHL madness that’s happened over the past week, we decided it made sense to drop in the top 10 NHL goals of all time. These guys are good.

Sunday Night TV

Posted: May 9, 2013 in For The Jock
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Every Sunday night I stumble into a drunken fetal position with a glass of cheap Cab Sav to watch my Sunday television. I like to get there a couple minutes before the show kicks off.  Others do this as well, trying to see the recap of what happened in last week’s episode or because they particularly enjoy the intro to the show (YouTube The Soprano’s intro…epic).  I do this for a very different and very specific reason though that differs:  the letter “N”.

Anyone who has been living under a rock for years, or is too cheap to pony up to have certain premium channels (think HBO, Showtime, Starz), will be ignorant to what I’m getting at. The letter “N” naturally refers to nudity in the upcoming episode.

Even in a world where we have access to trillions and trillions of hours of free pornographic content, that “N” before my Sunday show starts brings a sense of excitement.  It’s like you almost have something to root for while watching the show.

“Hey I really hope the letter N turns out to be Fiona Gallagher topless!” Or “Man I hope this is the episode where Carmela reveals herself to the world!”  The key part of those sentences is one must refer to the person as their characters name.  Saying ‘Emmy Rossum’ or ‘Edie Falco’ just doesn’t sound as clear.  Plus it keeps you in tuned to the show.

The letter “N” could also be a giant backfire too.  This can happen when the “N” is someone like Mandy from Shameless, or if it’s just a naked dude in a particular episode.  That’s always a complete and let down.  But let’s stay positive here and mention a few characters on these respective networks to look for and the show they star in, in no particular order:  Fiona (Shameless), Faith and Karen (Californication), Khaleesi (Game of Thrones), Sloan (Entourage), Carrie (Homeland),  Nancy (Weeds), Deb (Dexter), Meadow (later seasons of Soprano’s), etc.

Far from an exhaustive list, but those are some lovely ladies that bring justice to the letter “N” or perpetually left us wanting more…Who are some of your favorites?

Plenty of people think they know beer. The simple fact is that there are about a million different factors that go into a good bottle of refreshing goodness. We’ve all set next to the clown at the bar who tells us that his ‘frozen frog balls’ 30 minute IPA is the best beer on the planet. We’ve also seen the other side of the argument which involves people telling us that bud light or coors light are the greatest beers on the planet. For this post, we challenge you to kick the keg, throw the tap out, empty out your fridge, cleanse your liver, and begin questioning why you haven’t followed through with your dream of brewing your own beer.

No, we’re not talking about brewing beer out of some home-brew christmas gift you got last year and re-gifted to your brother on his next birthday. Take it from one of the beer champions of the world in this Huffington post article, a one on one on how to brew and barter with the best.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/05/02/samuel-adams-beer-jim-koch_n_3188252.html

How To Get Your Girl To Play Video Games:

 

Guys, unless you’re one of the lucky few that has a girl who enjoys playing videogames, your primal need to sit out on the couch and flip on some Call of Duty can actually be detrimental to your relationship. Before you look to your lady for flaws, or even view this as a reason to split (all depending on how hardcore your gaming is), why not try a couple of simple things to help indoctrinate her into your favorite hobby? If done correctly, playing videogames together can help strengthen your relationship by giving you both another thing in common to enjoy. Here are some tips to get you started:

 

1. Use the K.I.S.S. method: By the 4th iteration of CoD, having a kill to death ratio of 2.5 might come as natural as breathing to any hardcore gamer, but have you ever seen someone try to pick up the controls for the first time and do anything but shoot their foot? Me either. My point here is make sure you’re choosing a game where the controls don’t hinder her experience: the simpler the better. If you’re a hoarder (like me) you probably have a 16 or 32 bit system (or possibly a Wii if you sold out), which are much better platforms for first timers. Something like Sonic the Hedgehog might seem simple to you, but if you recall, you probably started out with something with no more than a D-Pad and 3 buttons when you first started gaming.

2. Pick a game SHE might be interested in: I like to think I’m eclectic when it comes to video gaming, which makes this generation of games one of the most diverse in our history. Most guys prefer to live our fantasies through games like NCAA Football or Mortal Kombat (new or old, although for my money I prefer the Genesis version). When she sees you playing these games, she probably has no interest in learning, so I suggest taking her out to your nearest Gamestop and let her choose a title based on the cover. Shelling out $30 for a used copy of Kirby’s Epic Yarn may hurt your man card (although not your wallet), but you’ll reap the benefits in the long run.

3. Encourage her throughout the entire process: There is no better way to kill her willingness to try a videogame than if you shoot down her self-confidence ten minutes into the experience. Example: Started playing New Super Mario Bros. Wii with girlfriend; told her that if she didn’t stop losing all her lives I wouldn’t let her continue; now have a broken CD and am banned from playing any Mario like games. Like any activity, practice is necessary, so do your part as a gentleman and support her throughout her learning process.

4. Let her win occasionally: Tough for me because of my competitive nature, but letting your girl win a round of Tiger Woods Golf or Soul Calibur 4 will actually go a long way. Ever go to a party and start playing beer pong for three hours but never win a game? Although you’re smashed, all you can think about is beating that tiny clown in the corner making eyes at your lady. And it makes you never want to play pong with him again. Take the high road and “forget” to block once in a while, just never admit to her that you did it.

5. Co-Op is key!: Setting your lady up for a night of Bioshock Infinite get you harder than a brick house, but your girl may not see things the same way. By playing a game where you both are working cooperatively to achieve the same goal, you’re essentially solidifying the fact that you work well as a pair. There are a ton of these games out there (my favorite being Streets of Rage 2 for the Genesis), and they practically scream date night. It’s also a great way to get out of watching the Notebook.

6. Tell her how much it would mean to you: How many mall trips have you been on? How many dates with her friends? How many meetings with her mom? If the answer is “I can’t remember” I pity you. The point here is that all of those things are things that she really likes to do. If you sit her down and explain how important videogames are to you (and more importantly why), she might better understand your attraction to them. That way, when you finally invite her to join you for a session, you can explain how you’re trying to share a different piece of yourself with her, and we know how chicks love that emotional stuff.

 

This list is no means the be all, end all of having success in this matter, but it’s a pretty good place to start. The key here to get creative, keep an open mind, and have some fun with it! Worst case scenario, you’re back to listening to 14 year olds on Xbox live by yourself by morning.

Thank you Farrah Abraham for attempting to make Kim Kardashian old news. It’s not enough that we’ve had to see Kim waddle around over past decade, but she’s also pregnant with Kanye’s kid. People are calling the kid ‘Kimye’. I know this is old news but this crap drives me up a wall.

If there’s any chance of her reign coming to an end, it will come at the hands (or body) of our friend Farrah Abraham. This girl is a smokeshow, and has finally outdone Kim Kardashian at her own game. Let’s not forget, the main reason this chick is popular is because of her sex tape. It’s not a bad thing, it just makes us all cringe when Ray-J addresses the audience about 30 seconds in. Thanks Ray, and thank you Farrah, for hopefully throwing the most infamous moon cow on the planet into a downward spiral.

Check out the Fox News link for the play by play on how teen mom is trying to topple the queen at her own game.

http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2013/05/07/farrah-abraham-sex-video-crushes-kim-kardashian-record/

Relax on the Emails

Posted: May 7, 2013 in Everything in Between
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Have you ever had one of those moments at work where you’re talking to someone and they decide to email you and CC everyone and their mother on the email back? At some point it has to be established that this is the adult version of ratting someone out. It’s grown ups telling on other grown ups. The best part is the recipient can actually see it’s happening. Even better,  there’s a chance that the person doing this to you is a 40 year old with their own kids. Doesn’t it make you wonder what they’re teaching their kids?

 

“Hey Mike did you finish up that project I told you to last week?” – Maybe I blew it off to go see Iron Man three or bullshit with some girls in the cafeteria. Either way, that doesn’t merit a ‘going over my head’ move and CC’ing the boss and their boss. A simple conversation letting me know how I’m a moderate slacker and that if I want to climb the corporate ladder I need to stop talking to the cafe girls and finish mindless projects on time would suffice.


We need these people to shift back to first gear when they get a chance.

Last Night in Sports

Posted: May 7, 2013 in For The Jock
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Chicago Bulls 93 – Miami Heat 86

The Cardiac Kids are at it again. The Miami Heat looked a little rusty and the Bulls capitalized down in south beach to take game one of the conference semi-finals. It’s not uncommon for teams that swept in the first round to lose game 1 after being well-rested. LeBron James finished with 24 points and 8 rebounds after being announced as the NBA MVP for the third time in his career.

The Bulls grit and post-presence allowed them to win a slug-fest in Miami. Nate Robinson continued his successful and flamboyant post season run with several clutch baskets down the stretch that put the game on ice late in the fourth quarter. Game 2 is May 8th 7:00PM EST

New York Rangers 4 – Washington Capitals 3 (WSH Leads 2-1)

Days after Braden Holtby claimed that the Rangers made his shutout in game 2 look very easy, the boys in blue clawed back to take game three of the series. Don’t be surprised if this game is the turning point of the series as the Rangers will have game 4 at home before they return to Washington.

The game was back and forth for most of the second and third period. Anytime the Rangers scored the Capitals had an answer. The contest was put on ice (not literally) when Derek Stepan lit the lamp late in the 3rd period. The emotional toil settled back in at the end of the third period as Washington was on a power play and also pulled their goalie. The 6-4 matchup continued for the final 1:54 of regulation with Ranger fans finally taking a breath after a last minute march by the Capitals.

The Rangers look to even the series at MSG on May 8th at 7:30 EST

UEFA Championship

Posted: May 6, 2013 in For The Jock
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Soccer Fans,

With football powerhouses Real Madrid and Barcelona getting knocked out in the semi-final stage of UEFA, we can’t help but wonder, is the Bundesliga legit? Going into the UEFA cup, it was generally understood that these two teams were the favorites. Our friends at the bleacherreport think the German league is actually OVERrated despite having both teams in the championship game. Check it out.

http://bleacherreport.com/articles/1626628-why-the-german-bundesliga-isnt-as-great-as-everyone-thinks-it-is-this-season

 3. Capitals 1 Rangers 0 (OT)

 

Mike Green scored in overtime  to put the Capitals up 2-0 in the series. The Ranger’s offense has been anemic up to this point. They’ve scored one goal, which was off a skate deflection in game 1. Nash will assistance and the Rangers will have to get back to their blue-collared style of play to have a prayer in this series against Ovechkin and his Caps.

 

2. Bulls 99 Nets 93 – Bulls win in 7

 

After finding out that several key players had the flu and were sidelined for at least one game, Thibodeau rallies his boys to a series victory in the Barclay’s Center. Earlier in the week Thibodeau said ‘we perfer not to make excuses’ when asked of his team’s inconvenient bout with the flu. The cardiac kid Nate Robinson along with a rag-tag cast of others  marched into Brooklyn and knocked out a more talented team in a winner-take-all contest. Carlesimo is ousted as the Nets are left scrambling to find out where things went wrong and will likely look to more veteran leadership in the future.

 

1. Senators 6 Canadiens 1


Ottawa leads series 2-1. It’s hard to figure out whether this was a hockey game or a series of boxing matches. The battle in Canada has lived up to all expectations so far as these teams vie for a chance in the second round of the NHL playoffs. The rookie Jean-Gabriel Pageau netted a hat trick and also lost a tooth in what will likely be the most exciting series in the first round of the NHL payoffs.