Archive for the ‘Everything in Between’ Category

Get rid of 98% of your college friends

What’s one of the best parts about graduating college? Realizing that you actually only have about four good friends. The last month or so there’s a mad dash of commiserating with people you don’t actually like because you had some bullshit liberal arts class with them sophomore year. You find yourself talking with the guy who studied for 3.95 years of his college career and fake laughing at all his stories.

 

It’s over. There’s nothing wrong with acting like an alumni and bitching about how you feel old sixteen seconds after leaving campus. But you now realize you have 500 facebook friends who are as much fun as airplane bathrooms.

 

I’m overstating here, over half of them will weed themselves out. But half of them will post on your wall when it’s your birthday, and for the other 364 days a year you have to see pictures of their dog and hear them opine on every major event that happens in the news. Even better if they write poems. You find the girl who got double teamed freshmen year writing Robert Frost carve-outs as her facebook status. Her and two lucky guys took the ‘road less traveled’.

 

My personal favorite is the person who uses facebook as their personal news feed. “Did you hear Jenny and Achmed got married”. No, did you? Or did you just see it as part of the newsfeed five days ago and are now their personal life promoter. Not to mention, no one cares. Here are five statuses that people should actually like:

  • “Darryl just hiked the Andes mountains naked with a sherpa on his back” – better than marriage

  • Monica is on day twelve of being passed around by the Knicks Basketball team” – Baby Daddies!

  • “Craig just realized the pepto bismol he drank was sink cleaner” – This one might be worth commenting on instead of just a like

  • “Sharice realized she was a lesbian on day three of her honeymoon!” – My only takeaway is there’s some guy out there who’s 50K in debt from a wedding and marriage that no longer has any return on investment

  • “Sharon thought her interview at the skin carbernet went really well” – Pictures please


That’s it. If Derrick Rose doesn’t play during the playoffs that doesn’t mean I want an hourly feed of your opinion on his ACL. Remember it was just a liberal arts class years ago.

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You could be a fairy and use your shirt to pop the bottle off your beer. On the other hand, you could be the man and follow these guys

Dudes have been corner peeking for centuries

Dudes have been corner peeking for centuries

We’ve all had it, that moment at work where you think its appropriate to hit on the girl from work. I’m not saying its inappropriate, there’s just a 87% chance that it creates a wave of awkwardness that reverberates around the workplace. Even if it’s something simple like “Hey let’s grab some beers after work this week” or “Let’s bang”. Let’s set the scenarios

 

The best case scenario is “Yes” and she gives you the look like you’re not sleeping that night. For the 2% of guys out there this works for, congratulations. The rest of us have the same chance of this working as a snowman living after licking satan’s asshole.

 

The next best scenario is her telling you that she can’t make it this week and that next week makes more sense. That’s slang for ‘it’s never going to happen. After that she’ll probably turn around and leave which gives you at least one unassisted ass-look on the way out. Nice Freebie.

 

The scenarios get worse when there’s a witness.

 

Let’s pretend she starts telling you about how it’s inappropriate to ask a co-worker out in the workplace. If you think your dick is Turtling now, give it about five minutes. While she’s giving you her speech on why HR should be involved, gossip lady rolls over to grab a cup of Jo. Gossip lady is anywhere between two and three hundred pounds depending on what mumu she’s wearing that day. She purposefully makes herself two cups of coffee to catch the entire conversation and relay it to every other whale that patrols the office looking for gossip. She’s the type of lady who eats carrots by day and pork rinds by the bag at night. That’s her superpower.

 

On top of this, your boss comes over and asks you about how your weekend was in the middle of her filibuster. He realizes you aren’t listening and begins jumping in on the conversation. Now gossip woman and your immediate boss know that you’ve visibly made one of the women in the office grossly uncomfortable. Your career is now on the line for the next six months as both of these people have an ace-in-the-hole they can use at any moment. They’ve also told about 15 other people about what happened.


Six months later, this girl is at a happy hour and tells you how much courage it took for you to ask her out. Minutes later you’re back at her place and you’re both depantsing. About halfway through going at it you realize that she never asked about a condom and has about thirty stuffed animals in her room. You think to yourself, wow this makes perfect sense.

Most post college/pre-work clowns complain that they haven’t traveled  Other people ride  you about how they’ve know more about the world than you because they went to Africa for 5 days. Either way, it’s your turn. If you haven’t been, take whatever dough you have left over from college and head out.

 

The last thing you want to do is start a sub-par career that will inevitably begin with monster.com without going abroad. Take a flight with 3 of your friends and go anywhere in Europe. I’d say go to Asia or Africa but getting gunned down by the Triads or limping around with Malaria doesn’t really tickle my fancy.

This looks like a blast

This looks like a blast

 

Get to Europe, shack up in a hostel, have all your shit stolen, and sleep with some french girl who looks like the girl from precious and you’re off to a good start. You’ve spent the last 20-something years in the United States, you need the experience of acting like an ass is someone else’s backyard.

 

The main problem with going abroad is there’s a 50% chance that a country’s people hate you. I’ve been to Ireland, they loved me. I’ve been to France, they hated me. It’s a coin flip.

France was a little difficult for me because the guys and girls all dress the same. It’s like a huge game of hide-and-go-seek. You don’t know what you’re getting into until the pants are off and Margot is actually Martin.

 

The key is to find a nice medium. A medium between being the asshole that yells ‘Merica’ at every foreigner that walks by, and being the person who says every coffee shop they go to is the best coffee they’ve ever had. I tend to side more with the ‘Merica’ guy than the coffee shop hipster who pets himself at night over beans from Ethiopia.

coffee

 

Spend some time figuring out why ketchup packets are an extra 50 cents at McDonald’s. Find out why some 10% of foreign chicks don’t feel like shaving their legs. Realize that no one has an idea what the NFL is and no one gives two shits if they do.


Lastly, keep an eye out for the gypsies. They usually act alone, but if you piss one off, twenty more will appear. They’re more or less and underfunded gang that boycotted old spice and showering centuries ago.

Being a bum, it’s not so bad

I don’t see the problem here

I took a shower threw on a suit and started my normal work exodus. Outside my door I noticed a bum reading the paper. Moments later there was another bum, taking a shit on the corner of a building. Seemed like a normal day. Before I get on the subway there’s another one playing a violin that would sound good to Helen Keller.

I hop on the subway and see another one sleeping half naked in the corner of the subway. Just when I begin to think my ride will consist of the same five songs I listen to going to work every day, it happens. The king-bum is in the middle of the subway, talking to himself. He’s holding a full on conversation about politics and drugs…with himself. He’s also wearing jean shorts and his jacket looks like a bear’s tampon. We make eye contact for ½ a second and that’s when it hits me. I’m not making fun of these people. I’m absurdly jealous.

Imagine, instead of putting on your suit tomorrow and squatting on the pot pre shower, you decide to ‘take your talents’ to 14th street and paint the street brown. After I’m done with my morning magic I might hang out in the middle of the street singing call me maybe, and literally cat call at every chick that walks by. Maybe I’ll flag down a cab, hop in, and not pay them. Then the cabbie will chase me around for money until he realizes that I’m throwing stolen street meat at innocent bystanders in broad daylight. I’d spend the next hour asking anyone, vendor or civilian, for a steak and cheese sandwich.

I might spend lunch with some other bums bitching about my alcoholism and telling them about how I had 15 illegitimate kids. They don’t care, I don’t know what I’m talking about, and the cops refuse to arrest us. When you subtract out the whole ‘I have no money’ part of it, it’s not bad. Hang out in the nice weather, shoot the shit, literally do whatever the hell you want to do, and the world is your bathroom. Not to mention, you have instant allies with other bums.
Right now, if I sneeze the wrong way on the subway I get arrested for sexual harassment. Their immunity has to be praised. Next time you see a bum and you feel sorry, think again. The guy probably had a chimichanga and a beer for breakfast and fired one off in the middle of Duane Reade, all before 10AM.

Mmmmmmm Beer?

Posted: May 15, 2013 in Everything in Between
Tags: , ,

We’ve watched this about 10 times and still don’t understand what the hell is going on

Remember when he nailed Stiffler's mom in the third one?

Remember when he nailed Stiffler’s mom in the fourth one?

Most of the people reading this article will look around themselves and realize they’re either at work, or at home. If you’re at work, good for you, you’ve found a way to run away from the corporate bullshit for a minute. If you’re at home, and your roommates are your parents, it’s time to make a move.

 

You spent the last few years doing whatever the hell you wanted whenever the hell you wanted. But taking a girl back to your college palace was much easier. Maybe it was the half filled keg that’s been tapped sitting in the living room for the past 3 months, or maybe it’s the fact that you haven’t washed the sheets for the better half of college. Either way, the environment for getting girls was much better.

 

Living at home has one positive, you save rent. That’s it. Now it’s time to list out some reasons why you shouldn’t save any money and get your own place.

 

1. Having someone lurking around the house that constantly hounds you about when you’re moving out, or that drinking five beers before you go out on a Friday is for the ground-lings of the world isn’t helping your confidence. Being pelted with a Q&A session before you leave to go to the bar or whatever sub par house party you’re off too isn’t exactly a breeding ground for type of confidence that beds mares

 

2. Having your parents find balled up tissues under the bed and telling you that they didn’t notice you were sick is some sick subconscious way of them knowing what the tissues actually mean. And no, they’re not sad tissues.

It happens to the best of us

It happens to the best of us

 

3. You can knock your parents for being half naked on their couch. You can knock them for never going out, or them pestering you for your moderate alcoholism. You can taunt them by never flushing the toilet, or refusing to mow the lawn. It doesn’t matter. It’s their house.

At some point, they purchased the thing, raised a family, and now have to deal with your post-college self prancing around like a blind sperm.

 

They spent over 250K on this place. If you think telling them to go upstairs because you have some friends, or a girl, coming over is appropriate, then you’re the biggest ass in the room

 

When it’s your house, you’ll be running around naked making sure the bag of chips is never rolled up so it goes stale the day after you bought it. Once its your house, you can take a dump on the roof, and leave your blow up christmas snowman up for 12 months a year to piss off your neighbors. But right now, it’s not. Play by the rules, or stop ‘saving up’.

 

4. The next time you DVR’d Game of Thrones and you finally sit down to watch it and realize it was over-written by a 60 minutes DVR, you’ll be all over the ‘for-rent’ section of craigslist.

 

5. Anytime the fridge is left open even the slightest crack for an extended period of time, it’s your fault. I don’t care who did it. It never mattered. It’s your fault, and now everything in the fridge has gone bad. That’s like $200 in groceries that they can hold over your head for the next 2 to 15 years. Enjoy!

 

These are only five reasons why you should move out of mother hen’s nest ASAP. Saving six months of rent isn’t worth the rise in blood pressure and reduction in spreading seed. If you like 60 minutes though, by all means, shack up at the old homestead and get to work on the happy tissues.

Image

(photo cr. metacarsblog)

The five things every dude needs to do after college

Part one of five

 

5. Lock down a job

You’ve been in college for the past 4 to 6 years and now it’s time to lock down a job. Your parents mortgaged their RonCo rotisserie machine wondering what you’re going to do after college. There are limited openings where you can smoke pot and watch Batman so it’s best to follow another route.

 

You’ve reached the point where interviewing seems like a reasonable obligation. Competing with the smartest girl isn’t though. This broad has been spending her senior year at the school library telling you how she has seven different job offers. I take solace knowing she’s only been with two guys in her life, her 6 year boyfriend who’s had glasses since he was 4, and her left hand.

 

Friends are telling you about how they’re failing drug tests. It’s okay. You’ll end up finding some second rate jockey firm who has no problem picking you up to fetch the secretary’s caramel macchiato from starbucks.

 

The next step is signing a letter quantifying exactly how much you’re worth a year. You spent the last four years eating pork rinds and finding out how to be really mediocre at sex. Now you’re worth $43,000 a year. It’s not a bad feeling, that’s just your worth in the free market.

 

The pain settles in when the biggest clown in your class is making close to 100K and he’s letting everyone know about it. He’s the type who still wears a one-sey to bed and knows his mom slept with all his high school friends.

 

Whatever your major was, you’ve now signed up for the next thirty years doing it, or at least making people think you’re going to do it. My first day at work I showed up sweating through my shirt, Any shot I had at nailing the intern chick I worked with went out the window. She gave me the, ‘this guy probably wears the same pants to work every day of the week’ look, which was true. She had that psychic vibe going and tits that would make a Ron Jeremy purr.

 

Getting a job also gives you something to falsely brag about. “I work at davidson and skidmark. Yea it’s on 53rd and anus. Oh, you’ve heard of it?” Say finance about 60 times, wear a tie, and you can limp into bed with the standard rate communication major chick.

 

We’re not saying any of this is bad, we’re just trying to add a little perspective. The alternative is being unemployed and making $25,000 a year. Part of your salary comes from your employed friends’ paychecks. You can walk around naked at your apartment during the day and watch repeats of boy meets world and stream the latest @bibiJones videos.

 

As a disclaimer, if you live at home and you’re unemployed, you run the risk of walking in on your parents plowing one another. Keep your head on a swivel.


Once the decisions been made to do one or the other, you’ve made it through the first of the five steps of graduating college.

Plenty of people think they know beer. The simple fact is that there are about a million different factors that go into a good bottle of refreshing goodness. We’ve all set next to the clown at the bar who tells us that his ‘frozen frog balls’ 30 minute IPA is the best beer on the planet. We’ve also seen the other side of the argument which involves people telling us that bud light or coors light are the greatest beers on the planet. For this post, we challenge you to kick the keg, throw the tap out, empty out your fridge, cleanse your liver, and begin questioning why you haven’t followed through with your dream of brewing your own beer.

No, we’re not talking about brewing beer out of some home-brew christmas gift you got last year and re-gifted to your brother on his next birthday. Take it from one of the beer champions of the world in this Huffington post article, a one on one on how to brew and barter with the best.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/05/02/samuel-adams-beer-jim-koch_n_3188252.html

Thank you Farrah Abraham for attempting to make Kim Kardashian old news. It’s not enough that we’ve had to see Kim waddle around over past decade, but she’s also pregnant with Kanye’s kid. People are calling the kid ‘Kimye’. I know this is old news but this crap drives me up a wall.

If there’s any chance of her reign coming to an end, it will come at the hands (or body) of our friend Farrah Abraham. This girl is a smokeshow, and has finally outdone Kim Kardashian at her own game. Let’s not forget, the main reason this chick is popular is because of her sex tape. It’s not a bad thing, it just makes us all cringe when Ray-J addresses the audience about 30 seconds in. Thanks Ray, and thank you Farrah, for hopefully throwing the most infamous moon cow on the planet into a downward spiral.

Check out the Fox News link for the play by play on how teen mom is trying to topple the queen at her own game.

http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2013/05/07/farrah-abraham-sex-video-crushes-kim-kardashian-record/