Stop fooling yourself, Get rid of your 9,000 facebook friends

Posted: May 22, 2013 in Everything in Between
Tags: , , ,

Get rid of 98% of your college friends

What’s one of the best parts about graduating college? Realizing that you actually only have about four good friends. The last month or so there’s a mad dash of commiserating with people you don’t actually like because you had some bullshit liberal arts class with them sophomore year. You find yourself talking with the guy who studied for 3.95 years of his college career and fake laughing at all his stories.


It’s over. There’s nothing wrong with acting like an alumni and bitching about how you feel old sixteen seconds after leaving campus. But you now realize you have 500 facebook friends who are as much fun as airplane bathrooms.


I’m overstating here, over half of them will weed themselves out. But half of them will post on your wall when it’s your birthday, and for the other 364 days a year you have to see pictures of their dog and hear them opine on every major event that happens in the news. Even better if they write poems. You find the girl who got double teamed freshmen year writing Robert Frost carve-outs as her facebook status. Her and two lucky guys took the ‘road less traveled’.


My personal favorite is the person who uses facebook as their personal news feed. “Did you hear Jenny and Achmed got married”. No, did you? Or did you just see it as part of the newsfeed five days ago and are now their personal life promoter. Not to mention, no one cares. Here are five statuses that people should actually like:

  • “Darryl just hiked the Andes mountains naked with a sherpa on his back” – better than marriage

  • Monica is on day twelve of being passed around by the Knicks Basketball team” – Baby Daddies!

  • “Craig just realized the pepto bismol he drank was sink cleaner” – This one might be worth commenting on instead of just a like

  • “Sharice realized she was a lesbian on day three of her honeymoon!” – My only takeaway is there’s some guy out there who’s 50K in debt from a wedding and marriage that no longer has any return on investment

  • “Sharon thought her interview at the skin carbernet went really well” – Pictures please

That’s it. If Derrick Rose doesn’t play during the playoffs that doesn’t mean I want an hourly feed of your opinion on his ACL. Remember it was just a liberal arts class years ago.


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