Being a bum, it’s not so bad
I took a shower threw on a suit and started my normal work exodus. Outside my door I noticed a bum reading the paper. Moments later there was another bum, taking a shit on the corner of a building. Seemed like a normal day. Before I get on the subway there’s another one playing a violin that would sound good to Helen Keller.
I hop on the subway and see another one sleeping half naked in the corner of the subway. Just when I begin to think my ride will consist of the same five songs I listen to going to work every day, it happens. The king-bum is in the middle of the subway, talking to himself. He’s holding a full on conversation about politics and drugs…with himself. He’s also wearing jean shorts and his jacket looks like a bear’s tampon. We make eye contact for ½ a second and that’s when it hits me. I’m not making fun of these people. I’m absurdly jealous.
Imagine, instead of putting on your suit tomorrow and squatting on the pot pre shower, you decide to ‘take your talents’ to 14th street and paint the street brown. After I’m done with my morning magic I might hang out in the middle of the street singing call me maybe, and literally cat call at every chick that walks by. Maybe I’ll flag down a cab, hop in, and not pay them. Then the cabbie will chase me around for money until he realizes that I’m throwing stolen street meat at innocent bystanders in broad daylight. I’d spend the next hour asking anyone, vendor or civilian, for a steak and cheese sandwich.
I might spend lunch with some other bums bitching about my alcoholism and telling them about how I had 15 illegitimate kids. They don’t care, I don’t know what I’m talking about, and the cops refuse to arrest us. When you subtract out the whole ‘I have no money’ part of it, it’s not bad. Hang out in the nice weather, shoot the shit, literally do whatever the hell you want to do, and the world is your bathroom. Not to mention, you have instant allies with other bums.
Right now, if I sneeze the wrong way on the subway I get arrested for sexual harassment. Their immunity has to be praised. Next time you see a bum and you feel sorry, think again. The guy probably had a chimichanga and a beer for breakfast and fired one off in the middle of Duane Reade, all before 10AM.