Unemployment on the rise? Sit at home all day!

Posted: May 10, 2013 in Everything in Between
Tags: , , ,

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(photo cr. metacarsblog)

The five things every dude needs to do after college

Part one of five

 

5. Lock down a job

You’ve been in college for the past 4 to 6 years and now it’s time to lock down a job. Your parents mortgaged their RonCo rotisserie machine wondering what you’re going to do after college. There are limited openings where you can smoke pot and watch Batman so it’s best to follow another route.

 

You’ve reached the point where interviewing seems like a reasonable obligation. Competing with the smartest girl isn’t though. This broad has been spending her senior year at the school library telling you how she has seven different job offers. I take solace knowing she’s only been with two guys in her life, her 6 year boyfriend who’s had glasses since he was 4, and her left hand.

 

Friends are telling you about how they’re failing drug tests. It’s okay. You’ll end up finding some second rate jockey firm who has no problem picking you up to fetch the secretary’s caramel macchiato from starbucks.

 

The next step is signing a letter quantifying exactly how much you’re worth a year. You spent the last four years eating pork rinds and finding out how to be really mediocre at sex. Now you’re worth $43,000 a year. It’s not a bad feeling, that’s just your worth in the free market.

 

The pain settles in when the biggest clown in your class is making close to 100K and he’s letting everyone know about it. He’s the type who still wears a one-sey to bed and knows his mom slept with all his high school friends.

 

Whatever your major was, you’ve now signed up for the next thirty years doing it, or at least making people think you’re going to do it. My first day at work I showed up sweating through my shirt, Any shot I had at nailing the intern chick I worked with went out the window. She gave me the, ‘this guy probably wears the same pants to work every day of the week’ look, which was true. She had that psychic vibe going and tits that would make a Ron Jeremy purr.

 

Getting a job also gives you something to falsely brag about. “I work at davidson and skidmark. Yea it’s on 53rd and anus. Oh, you’ve heard of it?” Say finance about 60 times, wear a tie, and you can limp into bed with the standard rate communication major chick.

 

We’re not saying any of this is bad, we’re just trying to add a little perspective. The alternative is being unemployed and making $25,000 a year. Part of your salary comes from your employed friends’ paychecks. You can walk around naked at your apartment during the day and watch repeats of boy meets world and stream the latest @bibiJones videos.

 

As a disclaimer, if you live at home and you’re unemployed, you run the risk of walking in on your parents plowing one another. Keep your head on a swivel.


Once the decisions been made to do one or the other, you’ve made it through the first of the five steps of graduating college.

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