Archive for April, 2013

Friday Night Lights

Posted: April 30, 2013 in Everything in Between
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Friday touches down last week and I’m in the mood for a good time. I send out three or four ‘excitement’ texts to girls I either know as friends or used to hook up with. It’s generally understood that the only chance I have of getting them to respond is if they have the same 5pm friday feeling I do and they respond on pure emotion. I’d put it at about 10%.

 

That was my shot at easy tail for the night. But now it looks like I’m going to have to saddle up and call in the crew. The crew consists of 3 people.

 

Guy 1 – This is the guy who always wants to go to the bar. It doesn’t matter what time of the day it is, he wants to go. The only catch with guy 1 is, he says five words once he gets to the bar. He usually goes to the bathroom about 45 times and tells everyone how loud it is in the bar then pulls a ‘wow what a long week, think I’m gonna hit the road’ at about midnight. Unfortunately, midnight is when the pickings get good

 

Guy 2 – I’m still wondering why we invite Guy 2 out. Guy 2 is the one all the girls flock to. It’s not a competition, it’s just generally understood that girls are going to go after him all night. And no, the wait around until guy 2 picks his girl then try and snipe some last minute action on the second place spring chicken never works. She’ll usually reply with how tired she is, or how her friend doesn’t feel good. That’s code work for them hitting the road and instead of hooking up with you, firing up their bedside pal with 2 duracell batteries, and buzzing themselves to sleep. Nice work!

 

Guy 3 – Guy 3 is my favorite. Guy three is the perfect friend during the day. He allways has tickets to the game when you need it, brings home dinner for no reason, and consistently buys beer for you for you and the apartment. Guy three has a special power though. He has the inate ability to steal whatever girl you’ve been talking to while you go to the bathroom for 30 seconds. He doesn’t care that he’s doing it, he probably doesn’t know that he’s doing it. But he’s doing it, and it’s making your friday night the best friday of all time. While you’re draining the snake next to a couple guys blowing coke in the bathroom, tonights catch of the day is being reeled in by another boat.

 

You might say I should change up the ‘group’, not gonna happen.

 

Friday night begins at some very okay bar with some very okay girls. Out of the four girls the one I’m talking to looks like she’s always interested in going to McDonald’s after the bar. She’s eyeing me up and down and licking her chops like I’m fourth meal. Whatever, man’s gotta eat.

 

I notice halfway through the night that this chick’s been drinking Jack on the rocks. She’s also been paying for all of my drinks. This combination leads me to believe she might have a penis, but we’re playing the hot hand here and I keep going.

 

About halfway through the night she makes the first move, which I guess makes sense after she’s been buying me beers the whole night. She moves in, mouth wide open and for a split second my life flashed before my eyes.

I thought off all the ex girlfriends and past hookups I’d had, and how they were nothing like this. Kissing a girl should be a mutual action. She was going in like I was the first bite of a meatball sandwich. Her breath smelled a little bit like trident and a little bit like the calamari she’d put down a couple hours ago. I go all in and get slobbed on. At this point guy 2 and guy 3 are staring me down and giggling with the other girls. Now I’m the center of attention which is never a good thing.

 

After contemplating an irish exit, I decide I’m too drunk to find another girl so I opt for ‘her’. I never figured out what ‘her’ name was but I decided it was going to be either Pat or Ethel. Either way I was all in.

 

We got back to her place and I jump on the couch. From that point forward everything gets a little blurry. I was still buzzed and to this point, I still don’t know if we had sex. Every move I made was either flabtastic or penetration. I’ll never know the answer. The highlight of the night was when I rolled over after whatever we did for 75 seconds and she got up and went to the fridge. She pulled out a half eaten BMT from anywhere between 7 to 10 days ago and began working her magic on it.

 

About halfway into her third bite she tells me I can leave. That was the moment I knew it was one of my favorite fridays of all time. She almost ate me, drank more Budwiesers than my dad, maybe had sex with me, starts eating right after sex, and boots ME out of her apartment.

 

That night with Ethel was a game changer, I wonder what she’ll remember more, me, or the 6 inch BMT that had been marinating in her fridge for a week. Go Figure.

If you get dunked on by some guy who’s 7 feet tall does it matter if he’s gay or not? Jason Collins coming out will be one of the biggest sports stories in the coming days. It’s a polarizing issue because it merges sports with personal belief. Props to the big man for making the public statement and setting an example for others.

Good article in the Washington post summing up Collins’ announcement: http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/early-lead/wp/2013/04/29/jason-collins-comes-out-nba-player-says-im-gay/

Sixty two years ago today a sporting legend was born. Not the type that would hit 500 home runs over a career, or rush for over 10,000 yards. He was not a legend that was known for his monstrous drives off the tee or his vicious right hook. He was one of the most influential people in a sport that now ranks among the most popular in the United States. Dale Ernhardt Sr. would grow to be known as one of the greatest racers in the sport and would also be part of one of the most beloved bloodlines in racing.

In a career full of ups and downs and plenty of drama, his no nonsense attitude headlined a sport full of tough guys and renegades. A racing legend was lost in February of 2001 in a freak accident that shocked a nation. Ernhardt Sr. was known as the “Intimidator” and “The Man in Black” in a sport that features 3400lb vehicles eclipsing 150mph. It doesn’t get much more badass than that.

Read on for Junior’s perspective about how one man changed the sport, and was also one of the greatest teachers of all time.

http://aol.sportingnews.com/nascar/story/2012-09-12/dale-earnhardt-jr-dale-earnhardt-sr-relationships-letter-cbs-morning-show

My first gaming platform was Sega genesis. The system was a piece of shit, but there were some decent games. The next couple systems I had were N64 and Playstation. We all understand that N64 was the multiplayer platform while PS was more of an RPG and solo gaming system. Nothing wrong with either, just different.

Goldeneye was one of my favorite games as well as final fantasy VII. Final fantasy was the first game I played where I realized I was becoming addicted. Not only that, but I was pretty good at sitting inside on the couch in my early teens while other kids were actually talking to girls.

The site is meant to cover all boundaries. So I’ll kickoff this section with the top 25 games of all time. It’s hard to compare PC games with legitimate gaming systems but this list covers it all.

http://list25.com/25-most-popular-video-games-ever/

The Gym

Posted: April 28, 2013 in For The Jock
Tags: , , ,

I’ve been at the same job for three years. Going to work for me feels like taking a dump after eating chipotle for a week straight. This morning was a different because I was convinced to go to the gym the night before. I woke up at six thirty and kicked my iPhone and some balled up tissue papers out of the bed in the process.

 

I’m at the gym in under twenty minutes which isn’t bad. The first person I see is a 300 lb woman working the counter. Maybe it’s me, but at a place that’s endorsing weight loss, there had to be a better example. She swipes my card, checks out my ass, and takes a bite out of a breakfast burrito all in a span of 5 seconds.

 

It was one of those days where I never checked the bike and ended up sitting a puddle of someone elses hard work. The good news is the girl next to me has given a couple looks, either because she’s interested, or because she knows I just sat in a lake. Either way I start getting on my way for the next 30 minutes.

 

I decide to do a couple pullups before my way out and grab some water. The water fountain line is short, but the guy in front of me is the toughest guy at the gym. He takes a solid minute at the fountain, then proceeds to turn around and eyeball me. Before I can get water he doubles back down and goes in for round two.

 

These people make my day. Nothing gets my monday morning started more than a steroid filled douchebag who’s watermongering at the gym. If I said more than one word he probably would’ve killed me. I opt for option two. Instead of getting water I crop dust the area and head for the exit.


Nice start to the day.

Chechnya Sucks!

Posted: April 27, 2013 in For The Jock
Tags: ,

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, this is how you can stop slicing your drives and looking like an ass in front of your co-workers

http://www.golfchannel.com/media/golf-fix-e-mail-bag-get-rid-of-your-slice-022012/

Welcome to the Pyramid

Posted: April 27, 2013 in The Purpose
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It all started a few months ago. Maybe it was a few years ago.

 

I was about to leave college and enter a world where I could earn an honest paycheck for working 40 hours a week. Maybe it was 70 hours a week.

 

I was told that after 30 years in the business, decades of marginal sex, and my second divorce, I would finally appreciate my college degree and what it gave me.

 

But I realized something. Maybe I realized after mistakenly drinking ex-lax, or maybe it was after my trip with a girl to pick up plan B for the benefit of ‘our future’

 

It wasn’t about what I was told. It was about what I knew.

 

I knew when Jeter flipped the ball to Posada that I was going to be a sports fan.

 

I knew after watching snake fight revolver ocelot in metal gear solid that gaming would be a staple for the next 20 years.

 

I knew after my fifth wet dream that it might be time to start washing my sheets on a more consistent basis.

 

I took a second and figured that there’s three things that make the pyramid what it is. It’s simple. Take the nerdy side, the jock side, and everything in between, and you’ll have a pyramid that can either provide some very insightful ideas, or some very crappy life lessons.


Our goal here is write about stories that relate to the average guy in his 20’s. The guy who is really trying to figure out what happened the last 10 years of his life and what the hell is about to happen in the next 10.