Get rid of 98% of your college friends

What’s one of the best parts about graduating college? Realizing that you actually only have about four good friends. The last month or so there’s a mad dash of commiserating with people you don’t actually like because you had some bullshit liberal arts class with them sophomore year. You find yourself talking with the guy who studied for 3.95 years of his college career and fake laughing at all his stories.

 

It’s over. There’s nothing wrong with acting like an alumni and bitching about how you feel old sixteen seconds after leaving campus. But you now realize you have 500 facebook friends who are as much fun as airplane bathrooms.

 

I’m overstating here, over half of them will weed themselves out. But half of them will post on your wall when it’s your birthday, and for the other 364 days a year you have to see pictures of their dog and hear them opine on every major event that happens in the news. Even better if they write poems. You find the girl who got double teamed freshmen year writing Robert Frost carve-outs as her facebook status. Her and two lucky guys took the ‘road less traveled’.

 

My personal favorite is the person who uses facebook as their personal news feed. “Did you hear Jenny and Achmed got married”. No, did you? Or did you just see it as part of the newsfeed five days ago and are now their personal life promoter. Not to mention, no one cares. Here are five statuses that people should actually like:

  • “Darryl just hiked the Andes mountains naked with a sherpa on his back” – better than marriage

  • Monica is on day twelve of being passed around by the Knicks Basketball team” – Baby Daddies!

  • “Craig just realized the pepto bismol he drank was sink cleaner” – This one might be worth commenting on instead of just a like

  • “Sharice realized she was a lesbian on day three of her honeymoon!” – My only takeaway is there’s some guy out there who’s 50K in debt from a wedding and marriage that no longer has any return on investment

  • “Sharon thought her interview at the skin carbernet went really well” – Pictures please


That’s it. If Derrick Rose doesn’t play during the playoffs that doesn’t mean I want an hourly feed of your opinion on his ACL. Remember it was just a liberal arts class years ago.

You could be a fairy and use your shirt to pop the bottle off your beer. On the other hand, you could be the man and follow these guys

Dudes have been corner peeking for centuries

Dudes have been corner peeking for centuries

We’ve all had it, that moment at work where you think its appropriate to hit on the girl from work. I’m not saying its inappropriate, there’s just a 87% chance that it creates a wave of awkwardness that reverberates around the workplace. Even if it’s something simple like “Hey let’s grab some beers after work this week” or “Let’s bang”. Let’s set the scenarios

 

The best case scenario is “Yes” and she gives you the look like you’re not sleeping that night. For the 2% of guys out there this works for, congratulations. The rest of us have the same chance of this working as a snowman living after licking satan’s asshole.

 

The next best scenario is her telling you that she can’t make it this week and that next week makes more sense. That’s slang for ‘it’s never going to happen. After that she’ll probably turn around and leave which gives you at least one unassisted ass-look on the way out. Nice Freebie.

 

The scenarios get worse when there’s a witness.

 

Let’s pretend she starts telling you about how it’s inappropriate to ask a co-worker out in the workplace. If you think your dick is Turtling now, give it about five minutes. While she’s giving you her speech on why HR should be involved, gossip lady rolls over to grab a cup of Jo. Gossip lady is anywhere between two and three hundred pounds depending on what mumu she’s wearing that day. She purposefully makes herself two cups of coffee to catch the entire conversation and relay it to every other whale that patrols the office looking for gossip. She’s the type of lady who eats carrots by day and pork rinds by the bag at night. That’s her superpower.

 

On top of this, your boss comes over and asks you about how your weekend was in the middle of her filibuster. He realizes you aren’t listening and begins jumping in on the conversation. Now gossip woman and your immediate boss know that you’ve visibly made one of the women in the office grossly uncomfortable. Your career is now on the line for the next six months as both of these people have an ace-in-the-hole they can use at any moment. They’ve also told about 15 other people about what happened.


Six months later, this girl is at a happy hour and tells you how much courage it took for you to ask her out. Minutes later you’re back at her place and you’re both depantsing. About halfway through going at it you realize that she never asked about a condom and has about thirty stuffed animals in her room. You think to yourself, wow this makes perfect sense.

Guest Writer – Edgar Allen BRO

Matt Harvey has been a stud this year

Matt Harvey has been a stud this year

I write this fully acknowledging that Matt Harvey has been otherworldly so far in his young career. Any time you are getting compared to Tom Seaver and a young Dwight ‘Doc’ Gooden, you are doing something right. But I’ve been around the New York sports scene long enough to know that it is very fickle. I mean we’ve seen Derek Jeter, DEREK JETER, booed mercifully because of a slow start to a season where he eventually rebounded, and to borrow a John Sterling term, had a Jeter-ian season.

Clown

Clown

 

Anyway Matt Harvey is off to an incredible start at the moment. As of this writing, he has pitched 56.1 innings with a 1.44 ERA and a 0.73 WHIP. Those are his rate stats and they are as mentioned, video game numbers. You’ll notice I didn’t mention his win/loss record because I find it useless. Harvey pitched a complete game one hitter on May 7 start and didn’t get a win in the start because his team didn’t score. There’s just too much noise in a win/loss record for it to be a useful statistic.

If we delve a little farther into his rate stats, we find these numbers (all of this under the caveat of a small sample size):

K/9     BB/9     HR/9     BABIP     LOB%     GB%    HR/FB

9.91     2.24       0.48          .190         87.3%    44.5%     5.8%

As I mentioned before, these numbers are insane. If Harvey kept this pace up the rest of the year, it would  go down as one of the best pitching seasons of all time. But as you can tell by the title of the article, I’m here to tell you that it’s not possible to sustain these numbers.

The first number to zone in on here is BABIP. This stands for batting average on balls in play, or in other words, the stat measures balls that the fielders are able to catch or make a play on. There’s an interesting dichotomy when looking at this stat from a hitter’s perspective versus a pitcher’s perspective, but the general theory is that pitcher’s don’t have much control over their BABIP. In small sample sizes a BABIP of .190 is possible as evidenced above. But extended over a large season sample, we would expect this average to regress back to the mean for pitchers which hovers around .300. 

What does this mean? It means some of the contact Harvey is drawing right now is either randomly or luckily finding his fielders, depending on which word choice you prefer. A BABIP for Harvey around the .280 mark would be a fair estimation by the end of the year. This doesn’t even touch on the fact that the Mets play in a gigantic home ballpark and the defense behind him is underwhelming to put it kindly.

The other two stats that jump off the page at me screaming “unsustainable” are the ones involving the vaunted home run. An HR/9 ratio of 0.48 is about 40% of what Harvey has achieved both last year in the big leagues (0.76) and for his career in the minor leagues (0.66). The league average for this ratio last year across MLB was 1.02, so you can see Harvey is way outperforming in this department. Again, a regression back to his mean of about 0.70 would be expected by year-end.

The last stat I wanted to touch on was his HR/FB (home run to fly ball) ratio. At 5.8%, Harvey’s HR/FB is again about 40% of what we should expect. Last year he was at 9.6% and while we don’t have any data for his minor league stints, I would bet it was somewhere in the 8-9% range. The league average for this ratio last year was a surprisingly high 11.3%.

All of this is just a fancy was of saying that Harvey has a underinflated ERA. He has no doubt been outstanding but in my opinion, and I can’t stress that enough that it’s my opinion, I expect him to come back to Earth over the course of this season. This is not to take anything away from what he has been doing so far this season and certainly not to discount Harvey as a future star. As I mentioned with Jeter earlier, I just hope that Mets fans can still be proud of having an amazing talent on their team like Harvey, even if he’s giving up more runs and hits the rest of the way this year Harvey will come back to earth.

Most post college/pre-work clowns complain that they haven’t traveled  Other people ride  you about how they’ve know more about the world than you because they went to Africa for 5 days. Either way, it’s your turn. If you haven’t been, take whatever dough you have left over from college and head out.

 

The last thing you want to do is start a sub-par career that will inevitably begin with monster.com without going abroad. Take a flight with 3 of your friends and go anywhere in Europe. I’d say go to Asia or Africa but getting gunned down by the Triads or limping around with Malaria doesn’t really tickle my fancy.

This looks like a blast

This looks like a blast

 

Get to Europe, shack up in a hostel, have all your shit stolen, and sleep with some french girl who looks like the girl from precious and you’re off to a good start. You’ve spent the last 20-something years in the United States, you need the experience of acting like an ass is someone else’s backyard.

 

The main problem with going abroad is there’s a 50% chance that a country’s people hate you. I’ve been to Ireland, they loved me. I’ve been to France, they hated me. It’s a coin flip.

France was a little difficult for me because the guys and girls all dress the same. It’s like a huge game of hide-and-go-seek. You don’t know what you’re getting into until the pants are off and Margot is actually Martin.

 

The key is to find a nice medium. A medium between being the asshole that yells ‘Merica’ at every foreigner that walks by, and being the person who says every coffee shop they go to is the best coffee they’ve ever had. I tend to side more with the ‘Merica’ guy than the coffee shop hipster who pets himself at night over beans from Ethiopia.

coffee

 

Spend some time figuring out why ketchup packets are an extra 50 cents at McDonald’s. Find out why some 10% of foreign chicks don’t feel like shaving their legs. Realize that no one has an idea what the NFL is and no one gives two shits if they do.


Lastly, keep an eye out for the gypsies. They usually act alone, but if you piss one off, twenty more will appear. They’re more or less and underfunded gang that boycotted old spice and showering centuries ago.

Being a bum, it’s not so bad

I don’t see the problem here

I took a shower threw on a suit and started my normal work exodus. Outside my door I noticed a bum reading the paper. Moments later there was another bum, taking a shit on the corner of a building. Seemed like a normal day. Before I get on the subway there’s another one playing a violin that would sound good to Helen Keller.

I hop on the subway and see another one sleeping half naked in the corner of the subway. Just when I begin to think my ride will consist of the same five songs I listen to going to work every day, it happens. The king-bum is in the middle of the subway, talking to himself. He’s holding a full on conversation about politics and drugs…with himself. He’s also wearing jean shorts and his jacket looks like a bear’s tampon. We make eye contact for ½ a second and that’s when it hits me. I’m not making fun of these people. I’m absurdly jealous.

Imagine, instead of putting on your suit tomorrow and squatting on the pot pre shower, you decide to ‘take your talents’ to 14th street and paint the street brown. After I’m done with my morning magic I might hang out in the middle of the street singing call me maybe, and literally cat call at every chick that walks by. Maybe I’ll flag down a cab, hop in, and not pay them. Then the cabbie will chase me around for money until he realizes that I’m throwing stolen street meat at innocent bystanders in broad daylight. I’d spend the next hour asking anyone, vendor or civilian, for a steak and cheese sandwich.

I might spend lunch with some other bums bitching about my alcoholism and telling them about how I had 15 illegitimate kids. They don’t care, I don’t know what I’m talking about, and the cops refuse to arrest us. When you subtract out the whole ‘I have no money’ part of it, it’s not bad. Hang out in the nice weather, shoot the shit, literally do whatever the hell you want to do, and the world is your bathroom. Not to mention, you have instant allies with other bums.
Right now, if I sneeze the wrong way on the subway I get arrested for sexual harassment. Their immunity has to be praised. Next time you see a bum and you feel sorry, think again. The guy probably had a chimichanga and a beer for breakfast and fired one off in the middle of Duane Reade, all before 10AM.

Mmmmmmm Beer?

Posted: May 15, 2013 in Everything in Between
Tags: , ,

We’ve watched this about 10 times and still don’t understand what the hell is going on

Get down with these bad boys

Get down with these bad boys

Before we begin I should probably preface this reflection with the fact that my first video game system was a Sega Genesis. Have always loved the Genesis, will always love the Genesis, am biased towards the Genesis. Sega (before it decided to systematically dismantle its core franchise with these new age Sonic the Hedgehog iterations) really did some things well back in its heyday, and one of them was the creation of two of my favorite drinking buddies; Toejam & Earl.

Over the past couple of months, I’ve found myself slowly pulling away from some big budget purchases (Bioshock Infinite and Dishonored to name two) simply due to the fact that I don’t have any time to make serious headway on any given weeknight. Work seems to eat my free time (like Kim Kardashian eats souls) Monday through Friday, so I find little more than an hour a day with the ability to play video games. One night I dusted off the old Sega and perused my old titles just to mix it up; which one was I going to choose? Altered Beast, Kid Chameleon, Sonic 2, TMNT: The Hyperstone Heist? As I inspected each individual title, my eyes rested on a picture of two aliens; one with the speech bubble “JAMMIN’!” above his head (and sporting the backwards baseball hat and massive gold chain) and the other one (the fat one with shades and border shorts) about to pound a hotdog with mustard. I instantly decided to shove my copy (albeit it took multiple tries) of Toejam and Earl into the Sega Genesis and dove into a nostalgic bliss.

Games Like Mass Effect are awesome, but far from simple

Games Like Mass Effect are awesome, but far from simple

A brief description of the game for those who haven’t had the pleasure: Toejam and Earl are two aliens who’ve crashed to earth (a bizarre earth made up of 25 platformed levels that are traversed by elevator) and are searching for the broken parts of their spaceship. Along the way they eat food, find presents, use presents, and avoid all types of earthlings like the plague. The game takes a solid hour and a half to complete, which may sound short, but it has two main things I love:

• Low Key Gameplay – As I said before, you basically walk around looking for ship parts while avoiding earthlings while using tons of presents.

Ahhh the good old days

Ahhh the good old days

This allows you to spend the entire hour pounding beers without the threat of getting killed (always a positive on a Tuesday night). There’s almost zero stress, which is the opposite of what you get from blockbusters like Modern Warfare. Now think about this – All day you deal with people, no one thanks you for your hard work, and you feel stuck in your life like a fly caught in orange marmalade. Toejam and Earl lets you do exactly the opposite: explore at your own pace, avoid everyone that’s trying to get in your grill, find rewards everywhere, and have an endgame where you get the hell out of where you are and on the track back to what you ought to be doing. Scary.

• A Great Soundtrack – Some people don’t like certain types of music. I personally hate everything country, so as you can imagine if there was a video game involving Taylor Swift I’d rather find myself making out with a circular saw than purchasing it. Toejam and Earl has the first truly “funk” soundtrack that I’ve ever heard in video gaming. Beats like “Toejam Jammin’”, “Big Earl Bump” and “Alien Break Down” somehow use a 32 bit system to create music that is not only memorable, but unique. The best part about these songs are how they perfectly mesh with the whole “just kind of waddling around” theme of the entire game. You can’t imagine George Clinton creating his music without being high as the MIR space station, and you kinda get that vibe from our two alien heroes as they ramble through their own version of earth.

Mmmm Big Earl and The funkadelic parliament would've gotten alone just fine

Mmmm Big Earl and The funkadelic parliament would’ve gotten alone just fine

You can find the above songs on Youtube, but a great way to hear them is on iTunes. The One-Ups do a nice job capturing the heart and intent of the songs through their versions, and they also do a masterful job with other classic video game music. Check them out.

That being said, for those of you who are lucky enough to still own a Sega Genesis, it’s worth searching for this little known treasure. Toejam & Earl is a game that really helps mellow you out at the end of a hard day, which is rare now. It does it without being childish, pretentious, or completely crappy. So crack open a cold one, and treat yourself to some TJ&E. You won’t regret it.

 

Remember when he nailed Stiffler's mom in the third one?

Remember when he nailed Stiffler’s mom in the fourth one?

Most of the people reading this article will look around themselves and realize they’re either at work, or at home. If you’re at work, good for you, you’ve found a way to run away from the corporate bullshit for a minute. If you’re at home, and your roommates are your parents, it’s time to make a move.

 

You spent the last few years doing whatever the hell you wanted whenever the hell you wanted. But taking a girl back to your college palace was much easier. Maybe it was the half filled keg that’s been tapped sitting in the living room for the past 3 months, or maybe it’s the fact that you haven’t washed the sheets for the better half of college. Either way, the environment for getting girls was much better.

 

Living at home has one positive, you save rent. That’s it. Now it’s time to list out some reasons why you shouldn’t save any money and get your own place.

 

1. Having someone lurking around the house that constantly hounds you about when you’re moving out, or that drinking five beers before you go out on a Friday is for the ground-lings of the world isn’t helping your confidence. Being pelted with a Q&A session before you leave to go to the bar or whatever sub par house party you’re off too isn’t exactly a breeding ground for type of confidence that beds mares

 

2. Having your parents find balled up tissues under the bed and telling you that they didn’t notice you were sick is some sick subconscious way of them knowing what the tissues actually mean. And no, they’re not sad tissues.

It happens to the best of us

It happens to the best of us

 

3. You can knock your parents for being half naked on their couch. You can knock them for never going out, or them pestering you for your moderate alcoholism. You can taunt them by never flushing the toilet, or refusing to mow the lawn. It doesn’t matter. It’s their house.

At some point, they purchased the thing, raised a family, and now have to deal with your post-college self prancing around like a blind sperm.

 

They spent over 250K on this place. If you think telling them to go upstairs because you have some friends, or a girl, coming over is appropriate, then you’re the biggest ass in the room

 

When it’s your house, you’ll be running around naked making sure the bag of chips is never rolled up so it goes stale the day after you bought it. Once its your house, you can take a dump on the roof, and leave your blow up christmas snowman up for 12 months a year to piss off your neighbors. But right now, it’s not. Play by the rules, or stop ‘saving up’.

 

4. The next time you DVR’d Game of Thrones and you finally sit down to watch it and realize it was over-written by a 60 minutes DVR, you’ll be all over the ‘for-rent’ section of craigslist.

 

5. Anytime the fridge is left open even the slightest crack for an extended period of time, it’s your fault. I don’t care who did it. It never mattered. It’s your fault, and now everything in the fridge has gone bad. That’s like $200 in groceries that they can hold over your head for the next 2 to 15 years. Enjoy!

 

These are only five reasons why you should move out of mother hen’s nest ASAP. Saving six months of rent isn’t worth the rise in blood pressure and reduction in spreading seed. If you like 60 minutes though, by all means, shack up at the old homestead and get to work on the happy tissues.

Top NHL Goalie Fights

Posted: May 13, 2013 in For The Jock
Tags: , , ,

Rick DiPietro is such a fairy